


The Ring Series # 6  Right to the Marrow

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-21
Updated: 2006-03-21
Packaged: 2019-02-02 14:39:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12728517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Daniel helps Jack weather an emotional crisis.





	The Ring Series # 6  Right to the Marrow

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Warnings: Adult language.  


* * *

DANIEL

It was late, and I was tired. I should have been home an hour ago. For about what seemed like the fifth time since I walked into Janet's office, I checked the time on my watch. Her brown eyes were crinkled in concern for me. I was so damn sick about thinking about what I had come to talk about, I wanted to puke. I wanted to hit someone. I wanted to hit Jack. I hated that feeling. Felt guilty about it.

"Daniel," she said quietly to me. I was hanging my head and looking at my own hands in my lap. I didn't answer her. "Daniel," she repeated. This time she put her hand on my arm. I still couldn't look at her.

"The General is a stubborn, prideful man. You've always known that. Always. When you fell in love with him, you knew that. Didn't you?" I still didn't answer. She knew the answer. She knew I knew the answer. What the fuck was the sense of talking about this anymore?

"Janet, I have to go home. Jack..." Not for the first time since I'd come to Janet's office, the foolish tears welled up in my eyes. "Jack..." I couldn't continue. How to put the thoughts of my heart into my mouth enough to get the correct words out? I couldn't, not to me, not to Janet, and unfortunately not even to Jack.

"Daniel, I can talk to him. I can try to get him to see reason. Do you want me to talk to him?"

That got my attention, and she got my eyes that time for sure. "No, Janet. Please. He'll know I've been talking to you. He'd be so pissed off if he knew I were here."

"So?" she asked me in a defiant tone. "Isn't that what you want? Yeah, he might be mad at you, and I know he'd be mad at me, but sometimes you have to upset the status quo a little to get things to change."

"Status quo," I said quietly, wiping at my eyes under my glasses with my fingers. My eyelids felt gritty. I felt gritty. I took a breath and looked at her across her desk. "The status quo. Yeah, well the status quo sucks right now.

"I know you mean well, Janet. I just came here to talk to you today because I needed someone to listen, and I knew you would. I know you really care. Not too many people know about Jack and me." 

I sighed. "Janet, sometimes I feel so lonely, even with Jack right there. I know Jack does too. There's a distance between us now that has never been there before. Never. It's scaring me.

"Oh, Janet," I murmured to her in a miserable voice. "Lately he doesn't even want to touch me anymore..." I trailed off, blushing and embarrassed and shocked to hear the words come out of my mouth. I couldn't even talk to Jack about that, and here I was spilling my guts to poor Doc Janet. She only looked at me sympathetically. No judgment there. Only concern.

"I'm so worried about him. About us. Janet, I think he may be planning to leave me. I don't know what to do..."

I hadn't said any of that out loud before either. I looked at her, wishing I could reach into her and come up with some clear, concise answers. I took a shuddering breath and blew it out between my lips.

She was speechless for a few moments. I saw her compress her lips and then swallow, probably searching for something helpful to say. Inanely, I wondered if maybe she wanted to hit Jack too, like I did. She leaned towards me a little more and increased the pressure of her hand on my arm.

"Oh, Daniel," she said. "I'm so sorry you guys are going through this right now. The General knows what he's supposed to do. He knows what he has to do. We told him what he needed to do back in July, in the hospital after he collapsed. You both have been through two or three major life changes just in the last year alone. He has an enormous amount of military and political pressure on him right now. And he wants so badly to make you happy!"

She tried to smile at me a little. I just looked at her. I couldn't even attempt to smile back. Everything she'd said was true, except for one thing. He hadn't been making me happy for quite a while.

"But he's just being stubborn and stupid right now," she continued. "He knows he has to go and get some counseling. Maybe you both will need it eventually. He hates even the idea of that, I'm sure."

I nodded in agreement. He sure did. Hate didn't even start to describe it. But he'd promised me, weeks ago, that he'd go. And so far, that promise had come to exactly nothing.

"He's taking it out on you because...well, because you're there," she told me. " I know that doesn't make any sense. But sometimes we are the hardest on the ones we love the most. 

"Even if he doesn't want help, you can get help for yourself. Don't go down this drain. Fight for him, for both of you. You are a strong person, Daniel. I've seen you go through hell and back. 

"Remember what you both are made of. Remember what brought you two together in the first place. I know he loves you to the ends of the earth and back. To the ends of the galaxy and back." She smiled gently at me.

"I've seen how he looks at you. Believe me, whatever you say to him carries a lot of weight with him. He might be saying all the wrong things, or nothing at all, but whatever you say or do, he will listen. I just know it." Janet blinked at me, squeezing my arm in a reassuring way. I wanted to believe what she was telling me.

"Please, Daniel. Remember that I'm here. I am always available to either of you. To both of you. Call me, anytime. I mean it. Anytime. Even in the middle of the night. You have my cell number, please use it. I want to help."

I nodded at her and stood to leave. I took her hand and squeezed it. Impulsively, she stood up too, and then she reached up to hug my neck for a moment.

I took her hand and gazed down into her caring brown eyes. "Thanks, Janet, for being our friend. Thanks for listening." She nodded at me, patting me on the arm again, and I turned to leave. 

My cell phone wouldn't work down inside the mountain, so I went back to my office to call Jack. It was quiet in the SGC, almost 7 PM, and everyone who could had already gone home. I should have been home too. 

I sat at my desk and switched on the small lamp I kept there. I lifted my phone to dial our number at the house.

I let my eyes rove around my office while the phone rang. As usual, the lighting was low. Untidy piles of paperwork and projects covered my desk and spilled over onto the shelves. The work never ended, and usually that was fine by me. I knew Jack felt the same way, two floors down in his office near the control room and the 'gate.

With a weary sigh, I finally lowered my eyes and saw my eagle ring on my left hand. Its little wings winked in the light, reminding me of what I had in my life, and who was waiting for me at home. My center. 

After four rings, when I thought maybe he wasn't answering or not there, he picked up.

"O'Neill."

"Hey, Jack, it's me," I told him quietly. He didn't answer me. Waiting. 

"I...I got stuck here for a while. Sorry I didn't call earlier."

"Doesn't matter."

"Um...yeah, well...did you eat? I'm starved. I'll be home in about a half hour. Do you want to eat together?" I hated my tone of voice, like I was asking Jack some deep, difficult question. Dear God, when had we started tiptoeing around each other like that? 

"Okay. What do you want to eat? I was just having a beer."

Yeah ,I thought to myself, I'll bet you were having a beer. Maybe two or three. I sighed again. 

"How about that pasta you made last weekend? Look in the freezer; I stuck it on the top shelf. You can zap it, and by the time I get there, it should be thawed, and we can heat it up more if we need to. Whatever."

Yeah. Whatever. That said it all right. 

No answer. *C'mon, Jack, meet me halfway here, will ya?*

Finally he seemed to find his voice. "'kay, Daniel, when you get here I'll have it ready. Bye." 

He didn't wait for my reply. I heard the firm click in my ear. I had been dismissed by the General, and unfortunately, I knew it.

JACK

I put down the phone after talking to Daniel. My Daniel. God, I was a shit. A big, fucking, stupid asshole of a shit. 

I shook my head and looked at the beer bottle in my hand. I walked directly to the sink, poured the rest of the beer down the drain, and rinsed out the bottle. I stuck it in the recycling bin under the sink.

As I closed the cabinet door, suddenly it seemed like the bones went out of my knees. I found myself leaning on the counter to stay upright. My heart was pounding in my ears, and I felt faint.

Just hungry. Tired. Stressed out. Nope, not stressed out. That stress problem was under control. 'You will not faint, O'Neill,', I told myself. 'You will not.'

I hadn't told anyone, and especially not Daniel, that recently the fainting feeling had been happening almost daily. Sometimes twice a day. It was kind of scary. But I always pushed the fear out of mind, as firmly as I could. So far I hadn't actually passed out again, like I had back in July. I spent every day hoping for the best. 

No freaking way was I going to one of those idiot shrinks. Mackenzie and his ilk made me sick, the whole bunch of them. They hadn't been any help after Iraq, and they hadn't been any help after Charlie. What did they think they were going to tell me now that would make one fucking ounce of difference? Meanwhile, I knew I was hurting Daniel. I felt like a big shit. I didn't feel like I had much of a choice, but poor Daniel didn't deserve any of the crap I had been dealing out to him. He'd never done anything to me except love me and put up with me.

Back at Christmas, when we'd decided that I would take my promotion and take over from Hammond, and that Daniel would retire from SG-1 and be safe, we hadn't known what price we'd have to pay. We'd known, but we didn't know. And we certainly hadn't talked about it much since. 

The truth was, I loved the stars on my uniform. I loved the authority, the command, the control. I loved running the SGC in the way I saw fit, getting my recommendations heard at the Pentagon, having my ideas and ideals listened to. 

I loved having Daniel safe, too. No more first contact for either of us. I loved not having to worry about whether I'd ever see him again, every time we went through the 'gate. 

Unfortunately, there were lots of things about my new position that I didn't love. I had to be diplomatic. I couldn't tell just anyone off anymore. I didn't have an immediate superior to be a buffer between Washington and me anymore. I was the one who had to make the hard decisions. And I couldn't just aim my P90 at the enemy anymore. My " enemy" now were the bureaucrats, the politicians, the NID, the Russians, everyone who didn't understand, didn't want to understand, and only wanted their own best interests addressed. All of that drove me wild, and I felt like I was in some kind of 24/7 pressure cooker in the School of Hard Knocks. 

So yeah, there were lots of things about my job that I loved, and tons I didn't.

And then there was Daniel. Daniel and I. I loved him to distraction. I wanted only the best for him, always. I now was actively wondering if "the best for Daniel" was me anymore. Wouldn't he seriously be better off without me complicating his life? I knew he wanted everyone to know about us, and he had given that idea up when I took my promotion and stayed in the Air Force. He had told me he wanted it for me, he wanted me to have my command. He was proud of me. But I felt like I was betraying him, being so secretive about us, out of necessity. I loved Daniel, but I hated a lot of the reality of our existence. It wore me down. God bless Daniel, he said he was fine with it, but I felt like a shit.

So, you see, you could look up "conflicted" in the dictionary, and you would find my face right there. I knew that, and also knew I was squarely jammed between the proverbial rock and the equally proverbial hard place.

And now, since July, I felt betrayed by my own body. Faint, heart pounding, sleeping and eating all wrong, worrying all the time. Stress, they had told me. A difficult thing to treat. Counseling needed. Maybe medication. 

And like I already said, I could not go to see a shrink. I just could not. Daniel wanted me to. Hell, I wanted to. But I just couldn't. Every time I had reached my hand to my phone to start the process, I'd withdrawn it, my heart pounding, my mouth dry. I felt like a man dying of thirst who was too blind and stupid to take a drink. The "drink" I needed felt like anathema to me, like poison. And I didn't know why.

Meanwhile, I was hurting Daniel. I saw it in his eyes. And I was so confused. Part of me just wanted Daniel to go away, find someone whole to love, stop being hurt by me. What the hell was I going to do?

Standing at the sink, leaning hard on the counter, I took a deep breath and made the effort to stand up straight. I went to the freezer, took the pasta container out, and set about to get it thawed in the nuke. 

I went to brush my teeth and maybe get a handle on my beer breath. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and noticed again the dark shadows under my eyes. I looked haunted, like a Goa'uld was chasing me. In fact, I looked worse than that, I thought. 48 years old and running from demons. Daniel was coming home in a few minutes. I hoped to God that maybe he'd run off some of those demons for me, in spite of my stupid self. Daniel didn't deserve to have to deal with any of that.

I brushed my teeth and ran my electric razor over my face. I scrubbed at my face with a washcloth until the skin felt raw. At least that brought my face some color, and I didn't look like 'dead man walking' anymore. As I was finishing up, I heard Daniel come in.

"Hey, Jack?" I heard him call out. We always did that when we came in, just to check in with each other.

I went out to the hall to meet him. Dressed in his jeans and a pale blue corduroy shirt, he took my breath away. I felt a lump rise in my throat and tears prickling the back of my eyes. Only my stubborn pride kept me from letting the tears out, from letting me love on him the way I wanted to.

His face was tight with fatigue. He had shadows under his eyes too. Five o'clock shadow dusted his cheeks and lip and chin. I wanted to kiss him, run my hands over him, draw some strength from him. But I only stood and looked at him.

*I will always love you, Daniel...I'm so sorry...*

He gave me a small, tight smile. I could see the worry and fear in his face. I stood there and let him come up to me. He slipped his glasses off and clung to me, his face on my neck. Slowly I put my arms around him. His height and solid strength comforted me, as they always did. I felt pretty guilty, since I knew I was being such a big shit. But he felt warm and real, and that was nice. 

*My life, my love, I'm so sorry...*

When I went to release him, he wouldn't let go. He spoke into my shoulder. "I love you, Jack. I missed you today." His voice was very small, very tentative. 

I ignored him. "The food's almost ready, Daniel. Why don't we eat?" I put my hands on his arms and got him to stop the clinging thing he was doing. Oh, God. The eyes. Why in hell had I pushed him away? Now I had to look at his eyes.

I left him there, walked around him and back to the kitchen. 

I got out some plates and started dishing the hot pasta out onto them. It actually smelled pretty good. I felt my stomach clench. I'd skipped lunch. And those beers I drank when I came home from work felt like they were doing some kind of war dance in my belly. 

"Daniel? Come eat," I called out to him. No answer. 

DANIEL

I wrapped my arms around myself. When Jack called out to me about the food being ready, I felt my stomach tighten. I was starving, and knew I had to eat. He had to eat, too. He couldn't live on beer. I made a conscious decision to go eat with him. I turned around and went out to the kitchen to try to consume enough calories to keep me from falling on my face. Jack had his beer, and I wanted to live on coffee and chocolate, but I knew better. 

We sat at the table together, and I was aware of the silence. We had eaten together in silence a lot in the years we'd been friends and lovers. It had just been in the last month or so I'd been aware of this new kind of silence. It wasn't companionable anymore. It was forced, empty. I started to chatter, to fill the air with something besides the sound of our forks and glasses and my own chewing. 

"I got those translations for SG-5 done today. Remember that planet they went to last week, 553, the one with the early Grecian temples, the beautiful Greek statues? The language is so like our ancient Greek, it wasn't too hard to figure out the scrolls we found, but I was so surprised to see what those people had written about. I thought it'd be about their gods, but come find out it was about wine, women and song. You would have thought some of the stuff was funny, Jack, it was like some kind of ancient Greek play. Inebriety, fertility and music, you woulda loved it..."

I lifted my eyes from my food to look at him. He wasn't looking at me. His face showed me that he was about a million miles away, but not in the direction of that planet. Not in my direction either.

"Eat, Jack," I said to him gently. I reached out to tap him gently on the arm. "This pasta you made is good. You need to eat."

He didn't look at me. I couldn't tell if he'd heard me. But at last he did start eating again. My own food was starting to taste like sawdust in my mouth, but I continued to eat anyway, knowing I needed to and trying to do what I had to do.

"How's work, Jack? How are you doing?" I asked him. *Say something, damn it.*

He looked up at me. Oh-oh. This wasn't good. The expression on his face was not friendly. 

"What do you mean?" he asked coldly. 

"Um...I dunno what I mean. What do you want to tell me?" 

I put down my fork, let my eyes drop from his so I'd look less challenging or something. I didn't know what to do, and I found myself going on gut instinct. 

"I don't want to tell you anything. Nothing, Daniel. There's nothing to tell. Work is fine. Fine." His tone was clipped, almost bitter. 

"Jack?" I bit my lower lip, raising my eyes to his again. A couple of heartbeats went by. 

He looked at me. I looked back. I wanted to rush him, kiss him, make him love me. Anything. What was happening? 

I couldn't let this go on. I just had to ask him. "You mad at me or something? What did I do?" It killed me to even ask him that. I had to know, and I didn't want to know. 

I felt my heart clench with dread at what he might say or do. I could sense that we were finally headed towards some kind of pivotal moment when maybe the truth would come out, if Jack even knew the truth. The thing, whatever its name was, loomed over us like an evil presence, standing between us. I remembered Janet's words, when she told me to fight for us. Oh, yes, I would. You could have bet on that. 

Jack stood up, came over to me, and put his hand on my shoulder. I looked up into his eyes. The shadows on his face spoke to me of his inner turmoil. I reached up and hung onto his arm.

"Jack? Did I do something wrong?" I searched his face, willing him to talk to me.

He took a breath and tried to smile at me a little. He squeezed my shoulder.

"Nothing, Daniel," he murmured to me. "You didn't do anything. Everything's fine." His eyes slid away from me as he spoke that last line, and he dropped his hand from my shoulder, turning away to pick up our dishes.

Liar. He was lying, and I knew it.

"Jack...what's going on?" I stood up too so we could look each other directly in the face.

The frown line on Jack's forehead deepened. He looked down his nose at me. "Look, I said it was nothing, and it's nothing," he told me harshly. "Stop thinking everything to death, will ya?"

JACK

I turned away from him and started clearing the table, to have something to do besides look at his damned eyes. He stood there, watching me. I walked around him like he wasn't there. Daniel and his x-ray vision were working overtime. I turned my back on him and rattled the dishes around in the sink. 

*You shit, O'Neill...you big, fat shit...you coward...I'm so sorry, Danny...*

Daniel came up behind me and stood just close enough that I could feel his chest through the back of my shirt. I stopped pretending to be messing with the dishes and stared out the window over the sink, looking out into the darkness. 

"Listen, Daniel..." I started.

"No," he told me in no uncertain terms, speaking right into my ear. "I won't. Forget it. I won't listen when you tell me lies. Since when do you lie to me?" God, I'd heard this tone before, although not for a long time. Stubborn fool, just like me. We were a pair.

I whipped around and glared at him, started pushing him back with my hands, to get him away. The damned x-ray vision was searing into the back of my brain now. And I didn't care. I just wanted him to get out of my face, at least for now.

He pushed back with his body, his arms down at his sides. He wouldn't let me move him, just stood rooted to the spot. He had his head drawn up to his full height, his gaze piercingly blue behind his glasses. We were standing so close; I could feel his breath on my face. I never took my eyes off his. Both of us were in full alpha mode, usually something I was really good at. Daniel was surprising me. I hadn't seen him like this with me for ages, at least outside the bedroom. He definitely had my full attention, but I didn't like it one bit.

"Answer me, O'Neill. God damn it, since when did you think you could lie to me? You promised. You promised me weeks ago, back in early July, on our vacation, that you'd make that call and get the counseling two different doctors have told you that you need. 

"What the fuck do you need to happen? Do you need another wake up call? Another few days in that hospital over there at the Academy? Do you want me to beg you?"

He was getting loud. Not quite yelling, but the volume had definitely come up a few notches. "I have asked you nicely, Jack. I have nagged. I have even asked you in bed. I have waited. And waited. And waited. Look at you, you fucking liar. You look like shit. Like death warmed over. And now, you can't even look me in the eye when I ask you a simple question. Since when do you treat me like this? Answer me, damn you!!"

Daniel leaned forward, to crowd me even closer back against the counter.

"No! I won't answer you!" I told him, as loudly as I could without actually yelling. I was panting, my heart thudding in my ears again. We continued to stare each other down.

"I can't, okay? I feel like I'm going down the fucking tubes, and I don't know why, and...and...I don't want to drag you along with me. Okay? Okay? Are you happy now? What the fuck do you want from me, Daniel?"

I couldn't move him back without using way more force than I wanted to, so I ducked around him. I crossed the kitchen and stood in the doorway to the hall with my back turned to him. 

"I want you to live," Daniel said quietly. "I want you to be okay. I want you to get some help, so you can be happy again, the way you used to be. The way WE used to be."

I couldn't turn to face him. He spoke to the back of my head as I leaned against the doorway, trying to catch my breath.

"Jack, we may as well just jump back into the fray with SG-1 and start hunting Goa'uld again; your chances of survival are probably higher than if you keep going this way. Talk to me, damn it!

"I'm so scared. If you won't talk about it to me, and you won't talk about it to a shrink, what am I supposed to do? I can't stand by and watch you disappear right in front of me. Your body is still here, but you..." Daniel's voice cracked, and he couldn't continue.

I could feel my heart breaking, cracking right along with his voice. I hung onto the doorframe, trying not to go down to the floor on my knees.

*Danny, I'm so sorry...*

DANIEL

I hadn't talked to Jack in this tone of voice since we'd become lovers, over a year before. I had never called him a liar. I rarely challenged him about anything anymore. We hadn't worked together on a daily basis for over six months. We were colleagues now. Although I was employed in his command, we didn't deal together with life and death decisions anymore. Technically he was still my boss, but he let me run my department the way I wanted to, received my reports and advice with fairness, and hardly ever questioned my professional decisions. 

At home, we'd been so shit in love, we'd rarely had our hands off each other, at least until recently. Whatever I wanted, Jack gave me. Whatever he wanted, I gave him. But now...now he was changing the rules on me, and I was not dealing well with it at all. I didn't know what to do except to challenge him. He loved me to go all alpha on him in bed, but my being the alpha about his personal decisions was something he hadn't dealt with for a long time. Maybe ever. 

He turned around to face me, leaning hard on the doorframe, and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. His face was pale, his beautiful brown eyes standing out in his face like two glittering lumps of coal. Then he ducked his head and looked at his own feet.

"You can't stand by and watch? Then don't, Daniel. Don't stand by. Nothing is keeping you here." He never took his eyes off the floor when he said that. I knew he didn't mean it.

I strode over to him, got a hold of his shoulders, and forced him to look at me. He felt limp.

I shook him gently. "You stupid asshole. What is that supposed to mean? Nothing is keeping me here? What is that supposed to mean? Take it back."

"No."

"I said, take it back."

"No." He glared at me. But I could see the depth of the fear in his eyes. Jack was scared. He was scared I'd leave, and scared I'd stay. My heart went out to him.

I put my arms around him and hugged him to me. He leaned on me heavily, and slowly his arms came up around my waist. He turned his face to me and rested his forehead on my neck. I tightened my grip on him. I wondered if he'd fall down if I suddenly let go of him.

"Jack," I whispered in his ear. I kissed his temple. Gradually he increased the pressure of his arms around me as he started to hug me back. That was better.

"Okay, don't take it back," I told him. "I know you didn't mean that. Even if you stand here and tell me you did, I won't believe you. So I won't make you lie to me again. You're what's keeping me here. You know that. I can't be anywhere you aren't. Come on, let's go sit down."

He nodded into my shoulder. I kept my arm around him, and we walked together down the steps into the living room and sat on the couch. 

I kept my arm around him. He put his head down on my shoulder and heaved a big sigh.

"Tired?" I asked him. He nodded again. I rubbed his arm through his shirt. We stayed quiet. But this time, the silence wasn't quite so uncomfortable.

I turned to him and put both of my arms around him. I put my hand on the back of his head and pushed his face into my chest. He nuzzled me, and his arms came around me again. I kissed his soft silver hair over and over, rubbing my cheek back and forth on the top of his bent head. We had barely touched each other except in the most perfunctory way in a couple of weeks. Feeling Jack in my arms again was like coming home.

Minutes went by, while we listened to each other breathe. I wondered if he was going to sleep. I slowly ran my hand through his hair at the nape of his neck, over and over, in a hypnotic way, willing him to feel better, to calm down, to accept my love and help. 

Still going on gut instinct, I started talking softly to him, the way one might to a nervous dog or a skittish horse. We'd been tiptoeing around for days, and at least that night, our raised voices had felt more honest and maybe had cleared the air a little. That was my hope anyway. Truthfully, I was still afraid that he was going to walk out of my life; something I never in a million years thought would ever be an issue.

"Jack," I murmured to him, still rubbing his back and holding his head hard against me. "Jack. I love you. Don't ever forget that. Forever. Only you. Only you. No one else. Since the first time you ever touched me, I've never wanted anyone else. I never will. You're all I want. All I need. I promise.

"It'll be okay," I crooned to him. "Don't worry. Let me help you. Love you."

JACK

I sighed. My poor Danny. I was scaring him, and I knew it. Hell, I was scaring myself. Was this the end of my rope? I had heard of people coming to the ends of their ropes. I'd been there a couple of times myself, back in the Iraqi prison camp, and then again when Charlie died.

I took a deep breath and pulled back to look at Daniel's beautiful eyes. He loved me so much. I could see it. His blue eyes were like pools, oceans, of love and forgiveness. Months ago I had actually thought to myself that I hadn't plumbed the depths of the love and acceptance that Daniel gave me every day. Now I knew it again.

*I'm so sorry, Danny...* The litany of those four words wouldn't leave my mind. 

I was going to have to hurt him even more, and I didn't want to. I had to get him away from me. I just didn't know how, or when it would happen. It would be like hacking off my own right arm when I did it. I had to, so he wouldn't be more hurt by me in the long run. I saw this as clearly as I saw my own shitty face in the mirror every morning. 

If he stuck with me, in time I was going to fillet his soul, and I knew it. Was convinced of it. He'd told me over and over and over again that he'd never leave me. But I knew that he just had to. How else could I keep him from falling over this nameless, bottomless cliff with me? I knew this like I knew my own name. I was convinced of it. Again, I thought to myself that it was just a matter of when and how, not if.

But that night he still loved me. And I loved him right back. Even in my misery, I knew I always would, to the end of my days. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, except for maybe my Charlie. 

He deserved someone who would take care of him, not just his body, but also his soul. I felt like I knew that I could not be that one. I would only hurt him more in the end, and I couldn't do that to him. I loved him so much, I felt like to give him up would be the best thing for him in the end. Daniel didn't know any of this yet, but at the time I thought I did. I would have to make him understand. I couldn't continue to hurt him indefinitely. 

*I'm so sorry, Danny...*

I looked down at my ring that I always wore on my left hand, identical to Daniel's own, gifts to each other, given with promises and vows of commitment. We had said 'forever' to each other.

Forever. God, I didn't know. I didn't know. The tiny eagle on the ring seemed to mock me, 'You said we'd fly. You said we'd fly together.'

*I'm so sorry, Danny...*

"What's the matter, Jack? Please tell me. Let me help you. You're scaring me all over again." He was holding tightly onto my upper arms, squeezing me, trying to force me to talk to him. He was trembling.

"I love you, Danny..." I said to him, my voice just above a whisper. My heart was in my throat. I pushed at his hands, trying to get him to stop hanging on to me. Finally I held him away from me by the shoulders, my arms out straight.

"I will always love you so much. But I...I'm no good for you. I can't love you right. I can't give you...what you need. You deserve so much better. I'm fucked up, and I don't know what's going on. I'm scared of hurting you more and more, over and over. I can't...I can't... I think we should give each other some...space for a while. I'm so sorry..."

There, I'd said it out loud, at least hinted at it. Finally. And I was sorry. I was, and always would be.

His eyes widened. He knew, at least on some level. He didn't want to see it, didn't want to believe it. His mouth was hanging open, his beautiful lips so full and kissable, as always. I reached up with my thumb and ran it along his lower lip.

*Oh, God...the pain. I'm so sorry, Danny...*

Daniel was crying. The unshed tears stood in his eyes. My heart was broken, and I couldn't do one thing about it. Not one thing. I felt helpless in the face of my own despair and his.

"Nooo, Jack, nooo..." he crooned at me. "No, you don't have to do this. Whatever is going on, we can get through this together. Nooo..."

I stood up, like the shit I was. I leaned over him and caressed his cheek, ran my hand over his strong jaw line. I ruffled his hair, drinking in the sight of him. He put his hands on my arms and tried to pull me back down beside him, but I shook him off. Yes, I did have to do this. It was just a matter of when and how, not if. I turned to leave the room.

Behind me, I heard Daniel call out to me, "No, Jack! No! Please, Jack, I need you!" 

I walked away from him. I was a fucking shitty asshole. And my Daniel deserved better. He didn't know it yet, but he would. He would. 

*I'm so sorry, Danny...*

DANIEL

I sat on the couch in a fog, my head in my hands. 'Space'? What the fuck did that mean? I was so angry and so scared and felt so helpless, I was numb. Not completely numb. No one could feel all of those emotions, like big knives carving them up, and be completely numb. I did see that I'd been right all along. Jack was leaving. Or he was going to make me leave. 

I could hear Jack in the bathroom, showering and getting ready for bed. I sat there, the same thoughts raging on over and over in my mind. I heard him go into the bedroom. The closet door opened and closed. Then it was quiet.

I continued to sit. Continued to think. My thoughts wrestled each other for dominance. Obviously it was going to be up to me to do the fighting. Jack seemed to have made up his mind already. He was slipping away from me. At least, he thought he was. But I was damned if he'd go without me screaming and kicking and fighting it every step of the way. If he couldn't be strong, I vowed to myself that I'd be strong for the both of us.

The stupid fool thought we'd be better off apart. How in hell had he come to that conclusion? All of these months! All of these months we had been each other's better halves. We had completed each other to such depths, we had been blown away. When we had promised to be exclusive, and said that we never would need anyone else, I'd felt that both of us had meant it. How could Jack think I'd be better off without him?

I knew he'd been having a tough time at work, but couldn't we work it out? Why in hell couldn't he get some help, find someone to work with, admit for once that he didn't have to be the one in control of everything? And why in God's name would he think it would get better without me there?

*Stupid, stupid fool...*

I got up and made myself some coffee. While it was perking, I got the container of chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and a spoon out of the drawer. I stood with my back to the kitchen counter, spooning the cold, soothing ice cream into my mouth. I never thought about the ice cream, just about what we had said since I'd come home. Finally, with a sigh, I put the container back in the freezer. I wondered how come ice cream, eaten for comfort, preferably while standing up in the kitchen, always tasted better eaten directly out of the container? I shook my head. It was just one more thing I had no answer for.

When the coffee was ready, I took a mug of it with me while I switched off the downstairs lights. On the way down the hall, I could see that Jack had left our bedroom door open. It was dark and quiet in there. It was early for him to be in bed, but I knew he was very tired and upset. I was just glad he hadn't left the house.

I went into the spare bedroom that we had partially turned into a computer room. I put a light on in the room, went back to close the door so the light wouldn't bother Jack, and sat at the terminal, my thoughts doing a little race around the inside track of my mind. Finally, I decided to check my email.

Sam had forwarded me a silly story about a guy and his wife whose son had a female hamster they thought was in labor. When they reached into the cage to "help," thinking they were pulling on the foot of a tiny emerging hamster baby, nothing would come out. Meanwhile, the animal was rolling around in what they perceived to be labor pain. Puzzled and worried, they rushed the animal to the vet, after hours yet, only to be informed by the vet that she was a he, and that had been his "wanker" (yes, the vet actually used that word) the guy had been pulling on. What they thought had been the throes of labor had been masturbation, pure and simple. The guy's wife observed that the hamsters had cost ten bucks, the cage twenty, the vet fifty, and the expression on her husband's face, when told what he and the hamster had actually been doing, was "priceless." 

I actually laughed right out loud. Thank you, Sam. I needed the laugh. It only lasted a second, but it felt good. I must remember to tell Jack this story, I thought automatically. 

Jack. Jack was sleeping by himself in our bed. I sighed. I couldn't keep my mind on anything else. A major part of my life was lying in that bed in the other room alone. Not just physically alone, but alone in between his ears. I had a lot more fighting to do, for sure.

I closed my gritty eyes and leaned my head back. I was so tired. After a couple of minutes, I got up and switched off the lights in the room. I went to the window to look out at the yard. It was pitch dark outside. I couldn't see it, but I knew there was a heavy rainfall. It was so quiet in the house, I could hear the little patters of individual drops hitting the windowpanes. A chilly wind actually made a little moaning sound as it slid by the corner of the house. Fall was right around the corner.

I rested my forehead on the cold windowpane and closed my eyes. I wanted to cry, and stood there actually debating if I would or not. I finally decided it wouldn't help. A shiver ran down my spine, from fatigue and worry and the cold outside. 

I went to take a shower and shave. The hot water felt good. I lingered for a few minutes, enjoying the feeling of my muscles relaxing. When I got out, I scrubbed my teeth and took some aspirin. I hoped I would sleep. My eyes in the mirror looked like I hadn't slept in about a week. 

I pondered the idea of sleeping in the spare room and finally decided that was silly. That bed where Jack was was my bed too. He was still my partner, and next to him was the only place I ever wanted to sleep.

I shut off the bathroom lights and walked naked in the dark into the room. I could just make out that Jack was way over on his side of the bed, back turned to the middle. I could see the blankets pulled up to his chest. His bare arm and shoulder showed on top of the blanket. 

I decided not to put on any clothes either. I knew that going to bed naked was usually some kind of code that Jack used to let me know he was hopeful we wouldn't just have to take our clothes off again in a few minutes. If that's what he was telling me now, so be it. I was ready to wage this battle however Jack needed it to be waged. And damn it, I was going to win. We were going to win.

I put my glasses on the bedside table and slipped in beside him. I rolled onto my side and regarded his back. Symbolic of what was going on right now, whatever the hell that thing was. Even still, it felt so good to be in the dark and lying down, Jack just a few inches away. 

I could hear the rain outside, beating heavily against the windows. I shivered a little and pulled the blankets up over my shoulder. I could feel the heat between our bodies, comforting as always. Whatever was going on, this was my place. Always would be, if I got my way. 

I placed the back of my hand along the nape of Jack's neck and rubbed at his hair a little. I was convinced he wasn't sleeping.

Sure enough, he stirred. 

"Jack?" I murmured to him. "You awake?" He slowly rolled over onto his back, his eyes on the dark ceiling. I placed a hand on his chest and let my fingers gently play with his curly chest hair. His warm skin felt like velvet. 

JACK

*I'm so sorry, Danny...*

Yeah, I was awake. Those four stupid words would not stop running through my head like the stock market report that ran along the bottom of my TV screen when I watched CNN. Once in a while they were replaced with 'what the fuck am I gonna do' but usually it was just those four words.

I put my hand on top of his on my chest as he continued to caress me. His touch spoke volumes to me, as always. It felt like a blessing, a benediction, a salve. I took a deep breath, and felt the prickle of tears behind my eyelids. I swallowed.

I turned my head to look at him in the semi-darkness. His eyes gleamed. Freshly bathed, he smelled good. The better half of me. Too wonderful to be true.

There wasn't anyone I knew who would have refused a relationship of some kind with Daniel Jackson. And I had him in my bed, for crying out loud. And in my heart. My total package. Only stupid me couldn't deal with anything right now. 

I was desperate not to hurt him more than I had to. But right then the overpowering reality of his presence was numbing my resolve to give him space, make him choose to get away from me. I was also desperate for his touch, like a drug addict needs his fix, like a dog needs his bone, like a lover needs his chosen one. Desperate. 

"I want you, Danny," I told him softly. I was real desperate.

"Then I'm yours," he told me simply. "Always. I have never refused you, have I?"

"No," I told him truthfully. We had literally never refused each other anything we asked for in the months since we'd become lovers, in bed or out of it.

"Then if you want me, here I am. To me, nothing has changed. And never will. Take me. Now," he said, pushing one hand under my neck and holding his other arm out to me.

I didn't go to him. This was a shitty thing I wanted. I was a double-minded shit. 

I wanted to push him away, yell at him to run for the hills, where it was safe, to save himself from me. I also wanted to feel his skin on mine, his lips on mine, his cock inside me, mine inside him. I wanted to roll with him, on him, under him, in him, melding with him. I wanted to be his, and he mine, celebrating our unity with triumphant shouts, as we had in the past over and over and over. 

He sensed my hesitation, something he'd never seen from me before in bed. Never. And in that instant, I knew he understood the reason for it perfectly. 

He turned and reached around behind himself to switch on the dim bedside lamp. It cast a glow over us and let us see each other's faces. I knew he needed to see my eyes, see my body and facial language. That x-ray vision of his worked better with some light.

Turning back to me, he got up on one elbow and looked at me, blue eyes wide open, eyebrows lifted.

"You promised, Jack. You promised me you would see that counselor. You are an honorable man. I have never seen you weasel out of a promise before, and I believe you're not going to weasel out of this one. I know you'll do the right thing." He stopped and watched me for my reaction. Getting none, he continued. 

"I can't imagine what you were talking about, that thing about us needing space? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. You are my love. Why wouldn't you want me right here with you to try to help with whatever the hell is going on with you?" 

He paused, and I saw him swallow a couple of times, planning his words. 

His voice came out softer this time, wistful. "Making me go away will kill me, Jack. I'm not kidding. If what you're trying to do is not hurt me anymore, pushing me out of your life will be the kind of hurt I don't think I can live through." He reached out to grab my wrist, almost hurting me in the vise of his grip.

He continued in a small voice, willing me to understand. "Don't you remember why we retired from SG-1, why you took your promotion? Don't you remember when you said you were scared that one of us would die and then the other would have to die of grief? Well, I'm reminding you now, Jack. If you're going to do this now, and leave me, I will be as good as dead. And I think you will be too. What the hell is the sense of being alive with half your heart torn out?"

Now his voice came out louder, more forcefully. He let go of my wrist. "I'm telling you right now, the only way you're gonna get rid of me permanently, you dumb fuck, is if you kill me. Go, right now, and get your Beretta," Daniel waved his hand in the general direction of the bedside table behind me, where he knew I kept my gun, "and put a fucking bullet in my brain. It's the only only only only way you're ever gonna get rid of me. That clear enough for ya?"

Wow. Well, I wasn't going to kill him. Not physically anyway. Emotionally, maybe, although I hoped not. 

I looked into his big blue eyes, into the sincere expression on his face. "A dumb fuck, huh?" I snorted a little. Daniel was more right about that than he knew. 

"Okay," I told him after a small pause.

"Okay what? You gonna get the gun?" Daniel pointed again at the bedside table, as if to remind me where the gun was.

"No, stupid. I mean, okay, I'll go to the counselor. I'll call for the appointment tomorrow. I'll talk to the guy. Once. It's all I promised."

"And you're doing this because...?"

DANIEL

"I'm doing it because I promised I would," Jack said with an impatient tone to his voice. "I don't think it will help. I think I might be hopeless, but you don't think so...we've already talked about this... so...because you want me to go, I will." He lowered his voice and blinked at me. "And I...I...I hope it will help." 

He raised his eyebrows at me, waiting for my reaction to his admission of agreement.

Jack did look a little bit hopeful. First sign of any kind of constructive hope I'd seen in him in almost a month. The longest damn month of my life. I sighed.

"Not because you want to get laid?" I fluttered my eyelashes at him, knowing that drove him crazy. So I was flirting, so sue me. I couldn't help smiling at him.

With a feral grin, Jack rolled towards me and pounced. He flipped me onto my back, rolled on top of me, and crushed his mouth on mine. Like a drowning man hanging onto his lifeline, he pressed himself to me, grinding his hips into me, kissing me with a bottomless hunger. 

He kissed me over and over, shoving his tongue into my throat, exploring my teeth and tongue, our saliva mixing and running down our faces. He was eating me, inhaling me, and it felt so damned good I wanted to cry or laugh or both.

He bit and sucked at my neck and licked me, nuzzling into first one side of my neck and then the other. I pushed my head back into my pillow to give him better access, loving the feeling of his weight on me. God, I had missed this. Missed him. Missed us.

"Daniel, Daniel," he moaned. "I'm crazy about you. God, I love you. I want you. I want to fuck you."

Pushing himself up on his hands and knees, he let his mouth trail down my chest, pausing to lick and bite at my nipples. I moaned and whimpered, grasping at him wherever I could reach him. He groaned deep in his throat, a low growl of want and need. My alpha Jack was claiming his territory again. I smiled to myself a little, not letting him see.

"Jack."

Many minutes went by as he explored my body with his fingers and his mouth. He seemed to need to remind himself about all the minute details of my skin as he looked, felt, and tasted me all over. I was being reminded of something, too. Jack loved me, as much as ever, maybe even more. I had known I missed our lovemaking, but now I knew how much. 

Finally he crawled up on top of me again and looked down into my eyes. "Are you sure this is okay, Jackson? Because I'm about to ravish you here."

Both of us went completely still for a moment. As the rain outside beat at our bedroom windows, I nodded, reached up for the chain of his dog tags, and pulled him down into another kiss. This time, it was my tongue in his mouth, pushing and dominating. 

I took hold of both sides of his head, my hands in his hair, and pushed him away to look into the depths of his eyes. I let my eyes rove over his sweet face for a few seconds. I could see him doing the same thing to me. .

I smiled at him. "Fuck me, Jack O'Neill. Hard. And don't stop fucking me until I tell you to. Y'hear?" 

He threw back his head and laughed. It was a wonderful sound. I smiled back at him. 

And then he did. He entered me gently, always considerate, always loving, but gradually his passion, added to mine, increased the pace. Both of us were transported to a place we needed to go to so badly, a place only we could visit together, a place of trust, of longing, of love and lust.

I lost track of time. I had come between our bellies not long after he'd buried himself inside me, after he'd stroked my sweet spot over and over. I kept my eyes open while Jack made love to me, needing so badly to see his face. I needed so badly to see his love. And I did. He thrust into me over and over, pounding into me, until I was raw and probably bleeding, tears of pain and joy and love mingling on my face. 

I finally begged him to finish and let us rest, and immediately he stilled and came deep inside me, gasping my name in pleasure and fatigue. Both of us were bathed in each other's sweat. 

When he pulled out of me and laid himself on me to rest, I hugged him tightly, my arms and legs wrapped around him, loving the sticky closeness between us. 

"God, Daniel," he said into my neck, after we could both breathe again. "I guess space isn't what we needed, huh?" 

Nope. I wouldn't be walking straight for a week, but it was worth it. Everything was worth it. Everything. I only hoped Jack thought so too.

He pulled back to look at me. We both laughed softly. 

"I love you, O'Neill," I told him. "No bullet, no getting rid of me. I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you. Got it?"

As an answer, he kissed me again. He got it.

JACK

I didn't want to, but I'd promised. The next morning in my office, first thing, I made the call to Fraiser. I asked her to get the process started for me to have a psych evaluation. I told her to use her own judgment about whom I should see. Janet knew me probably better than I knew myself. She'd know who to make the appointment with.

"And soon, Doc," I told her. "Prioritize me somehow. Make it today if you can. Daniel and I...we can't...we...I can't go on like this. I'm hurting him. I'm scaring him. I...just soon, Doc. Please." 

I had dragged my feet for over two months about getting this stupid appointment, and now I was begging Fraiser to make it ten minutes ago. I only hoped whoever this shrink was had some lifeline to throw me, to drag me back to where I needed to be. I only hoped I'd have enough sense to let him.

Fraiser promised me she'd do what she could and would call me back. I knew she'd speak to me personally, and no message would be given to Clark in my office. No one who didn't need to know would know about my appointment. Fraiser would be the soul of propriety and keep my confidence. I had no worries on that account.

Finally, I went and talked to the people in the control room and received their morning report. I made my rounds of the SGC, like I did every morning, and found things quiet and routine. I even went by archaeology, to look in on Daniel's department, but he didn't seem to be around, so I took the report from his assistant. 

Then I returned to my office. Clark was on the phone and simultaneously typing at her computer, so I just walked by her and went into my office, closing the door behind me.

I asked my computer for current email messages. There were a few. Nothing that important...until finally at the bottom of the list, the most recent message, was from djackson@sgccheyenne.gov Daniel! I hurriedly clicked on the message. 

Remind me to tell you about the hamster. Oh! And remember. No one else. Ever. D.

That's all. * I love you, too, Danny...I don't deserve you .At least I don't think so. But maybe I can learn. Hamster?* I chuckled to myself. Smiling, I hit the little arrow to send a message back.

Our appointment yesterday was productive. As always, I found your opinions insightful. I look forward to our next meeting. BTW, JF will be calling me back soon. J. O'Neill P.S. Hamster?

I hit the button to send the message to him. Then I deleted both of our messages to the trash file in my computer, and then went there to delete them again. They were now gone to any but the most skilled computer technician, and I wasn't worried about that. Our messages were always discrete and open to interpretation. 

I felt my heart warm up a little. Sighing, I turned to my paperwork, always waiting on my desk. I put on my reading glasses, and sat absent-mindedly twirling my eagle ring on my finger. I looked down at it. My first marriage, to Sara, had ended in heartbreak because of my stupidity, my selfishness, my refusal to communicate. I was damned if I was going to do that again to someone who loved me. Maybe I was finally through with the self- pitying wallow I'd given in to during the last few weeks. I hoped so.

Clark knocked and came in, and we started our day in earnest. I wondered if she noticed my foolish smile. I was a fool for love. I was glad at the hope I was feeling for what felt like the first time in a long, long time. A single ray, but it was a big one. And its name was Daniel Jackson. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm   
Ever gonna make it home again.  
It's so far, and out of sight.  
I really need someone to talk to  
And nobody else  
Knows how to comfort me tonight.

Snow is cold; rain is wet,  
Chills my soul right to the marrow.

I won't be happy `til I see  
You alone again.  
`Til I'm home again and feelin' right.  
I wanna be home again and feelin' right.

Carole King,Ê "Home Again" from "Tapestry"

~finis~

A note to my readers: This is the end of The Ring Series. I envision a happy future for Jack and Daniel. Jack will command the SGC until his retirement, when the gate becomes public, in about five years. At that time, Daniel will be able to publish the book he's been writing about the Stargate, its history, his role in its opening, the adventures of their flagship team, the original SG-1, and the history of the SGC and its alien enemies and allies. Meanwhile, Daniel will have built a beautiful house on the twenty acres Jack had given him for his birthday, high in the foothills of the Rockies. The loft and Jack's house sold, the two of them would take up residence in that home that Jack envisioned, one with only one bedroom, but a TV room for Jack and his LaZBoy, and a library for Daniel, with room everywhere for both of their precious belongings. Sunrise will find them on the front porch, sipping Mimosas, celebrating their sixth anniversary, and looking forward to a long, happy, healthy future together. God bless them, and us all. 

Jude


End file.
